Wednesday, March 9, 2011

When the treasure is missing

I know, it looked like I started a blog and vanished like 90% of new blogs do. (Yes, I totally made up that number but I'm betting its close to accurate) But really I've just be struggling. Struggling with my own feelings of lacking and my own out of it state of mind. This blog is about accepting yourself as a woman and overcoming your fears and weakness. So, what is the writer of said blog supposed to do when she gets lost in those feelings that she is supposedly fighting? Hide apparently.

I guess that's not the best way to handle something though is it? I have been known to hide in the closet when I am having a bad day and I want to get away from the kids. I've gone in there and cried before. And maybe that did help a little by letting me cry without being seen but I still had to come out and face the little terrors that drove me in there in the first place.

A far better way to fix your problems is to deal with them. Especially in a place like this. If I want readers I should write about my own problems and struggles so other women can know they aren't alone in those feelings. So here I am, back again to share what has been going on.

I have felt like a failure. I had been doing so well in so many ways and then I lost my grip on whatever it was that was keeping me anchored. Ok, if I'm honest I know what I lost my grip on, God. I was spending time reading a devotional and praying and actually getting nourished by my Savior.

But then I got sick. Really sick for two or three days, I had the flu. I couldn't sit up for very long much less read anything or quite honestly, pray. Which is fine actually. People get sick. My wonderful husband even stayed home from work for a couple of days (working from home) because he was the only one not sick. He took care of all of us, managed to do some work and didn't make me feel bad about it at all.

But somehow I still felt guilty. Moms do not get sick, we aren't allowed! Right? Mom isn't allowed to be weak or be human. We are supposed to be super human and fix everything for everyone. We are supposed to be the caretakers not the ones stuck in bed with a fever unable to keep food down or stay awake. But there I was, helpless. Helpless. Its not a feeling anyone likes to feel but it was a fact for me

I was dependent on my husband for anything for two days. I couldn't even dry myself after a shower without help. The kids were also sick and I couldn't help take care of them. After the first one got sick, that I did help with, I got it so the other two were Hubby's alone to deal with and clean up after. I hated that. And somehow those two days sent me into a two month tailspin. One that I almost drowned in. (Yes, you can metaphorically drown in a tailspin, its my metaphor anyway so hush.)

I began to lose myself the day I got sick. Not because I was sick, not because my husband wasn't there for me, he was more than I could have dreamed. But because I listened to the wrong little voice. Instead of the one that told me to just rest and get better and let Hubby handle everything, and that it would all be ok I listened to the one that said I was failing. The one that said I should have been up and helping him or even taking over. The voice that said, now I was worthless because I failed my family simply by having a virus take over my body. There was nothing I could have done to stop it but I forgot that. I listened to the Enemy of my soul who managed to steal me away from my family for two months.

I did ok for a while during that time because I hid how I felt but I was slowly giving in. I was sinking into a pit of quicksand and lies. You aren't good enough, you can't hold onto this for very long, you will fail again. And just today did I realize how far I sank. My husband told me that he missed me in a simple text message. He also brought up the morning coffee "dates" we were having before I got sick. Just having coffee together before he left for work. I didn't realized how much he missed that, or how much I do for that matter.

I have said that the title of this blog is because I have two men in my life that treasure me just as I am. My God and my husband. But what happens when I hide that treasure from both of them? They are both left standing waiting for my return. I complain to myself that I'm not feeling loved the way I should be and that I feel all alone. But really, that old Christian cliche is true, "When God feels far away, who do you think moved?" And I realized the same holds true, in this case, for my relationship with my husband. Who moved? Simple answer, I did. I ran and hid because I felt useless.

Sometimes when I'm not feeling treasured I need to remember that its hard to treasure something that has been lost. When the treasure is missing its impossible to guard it and protect it. So, in more ways than one, I'm back. I'm back here on my blog and I am back emotionally back in the two sets of arms that love me more than anything. I'm not helpless, I'm not useless. I am a treasure and its time I act like it again.

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